Throw Your Life Away
by LiveLaughLove013
Summary: Light spoilers! Set 5 years after the end of the FAYZ. Diana writes a book about her and Caine's time in the FAYZ, something both Sam and Astrid think is a bad idea.


"You did it. You actually did it," Diana looked up from her perch on the edge of her bed to find Sam standing in the doorway of her room holding a copy of her book in his hands.

"Gee, I didn't know," She raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to make some more redundant statements, Captain Obvious, or do you actually have a reason for bothering me?"

Sam shook his head. "I just still can't believe that you actually came out there and told the entire world that Caine was lying in that letter. You could get us all arrested,"

"No, I could get myself arrested. I made it perfectly clear that pretty much everything that went wrong in the FAYZ was because of Caine, Drake, the gaiaphage, and by extension, me. Besides, everyone just loves you and Genius Girl," Diana couldn't keep the bitterness out of her tone. "What with your sweet little baby on the way. Nobody wants to ruin the happy family by arresting you,"

Sam sighed and sat down next to her. "Diana," He looked at her, but she was avoiding his eyes. "Why? Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"

"I have to, Sam," She sighed. "Do you know how mad it makes me? How every memorial service, every time we get together with the other FAYZ survivors, when everyone is talking about the 'heroes of the FAYZ' and how Brianna or Jack or whoever saved their lives or is a hero or whatever, nobody even thinks to mention Caine? How I can't see someone from the FAYZ without knowing that they're glad Caine isn't there with me? How when I so much as walk down the street people stop me to tell me how sorry they are that Caine used his 'mind control' to manipulate me into being his girlfriend? I'm sick of it Sam! I know he did a lot of really bad things, but how is it that everyone can forget the bad things Brianna or Jack or Orc did and forget the good things Caine did?"

"Caine did a lot more bad then Brianna or Jack or Orc," Sam said hesitantly. He tensed, waiting for her to scream at him.

"Jack helped Caine turn off the power and feed radiation to the gaiaphage! Orc was a drunken fool who murdered kids for no reason! Brianna got off on cutting Drake into pieces! She was almost as sadistic as he was!"

"They all did good in the end though," Astrid spoke from the doorway. "They redeemed themselves,"

"Caine died to get us all out of the FAYZ!" Diana screamed. "He sacrificed himself for me! For all of us! He took the blame for everything, saved everyone from death at the hands of the gaiaphage _and_ from life in prison at the hands of the government!"

"That doesn't give you a reason to risk getting us all thrown in jail!" Astrid shot back. "I know you haven't moved on Diana, but some of us have and would like to have actual lives now instead of rotting in a prison cell!" Diana rolled her eyes. "As I already told your boyfriend here, genius, if you actually read the book before you flew off the handle, you would know I placed all the blame on Caine, Drake, and myself. And the gaiaphage, of course,"

"So you're going to throw your entire life away to clear Caine's name," Astrid asked in disbelief. It was more of a statement then a question.

Diana scoffed. "What life, genius? In case you haven't noticed, my life since the FAYZ _has _been clearing Caine's name,"

"It's been five years, Diana," Sam said. "You have to move on,"

"I don't think that's possible," Diana murmured.

"Caine would have wanted you-"

"I know what Caine wanted, Sam!" Diana screamed. "I know Caine wanted to go down in a blaze of glory and have everyone believe he was always in control! I know he wanted me to move on and forget him and be a better person! But I can't do that Sam! I don't listen to Caine, I never did. I can't pretend like he never existed, can't move on and forget about him, okay?"

"I'm not saying you should, Diana," Sam said. "But you've never really tried moving on. It's been five years. You've spent three years writing this book about him instead of trying to get better,"

"Let's get some things straight, Sam," Diana scowled. "After the FAYZ, I was depressed for how long? Two freaking years, at least. I still am, according to some standards. I almost killed myself five times just in the three months between the end of the FAYZ and moving in with you," She smirked at the shocked expressions on their faces. "You didn't know that, did you? It wasn't until that memorial service that I found a reason to live again. Astrid gave a speech, didn't she? She talked about the 'heroes', and she didn't mention Caine once. Nobody does. Everyone's content to forget about him, to move on and pretend he never existed. I can't do that, even if I might be a better person without him. I tried that back when we were in the FAYZ, and that ended with my mutant daughter being possessed by the gaiaphage and the only person I cared about getting killed,"

Sam opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. "You're right, it's been five years. I think if I was going to get over him, I would have. Do I tell you to get over your stupid irrational fear of Drake? Do I say 'Sam, he's been dead for five years, get over it'? No. Do I tell Astrid to get over murdering Little Pete? No. You don't ever get over some things, Sam,"

"Yes, Diana, but Astrid and I don't let that stuff control us! Your entire life revolves around a boy who's been dead for five years!"

"I don't have anyone else for it to revolve around!" Diana shot back.

Sam sighed and looked at Astrid, wondering what to say. Diana continued. "You have Astrid, Lana has Sanjit, hell, even Dekka moved on and found that Sarah girl! I don't have anyone else! Even if I wanted someone else, I doubt anyone is going to want Diana Ladris, cannibalistic bitch, ex-girlfriend to the sociopath who ruled the FAYZ, mother to the demon baby that killed close to a hundred people, depressed, and very possibly insane!"

She sighed and slid down off the bed. She fished a crumpled piece of paper out of her pocket and hugged it to her chest.

Sam sighed and glanced at Astrid. _Give us a minute._ Astrid nodded slowly and left the room. Sam sat down next to Diana and slowly wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"It'll be okay, Diana," He murmured softly. "Have you – have you ever thought of getting another therapist? Telling someone all this – it might help,"

Diana looked up at him, her eyes red. She wiped away tears. "I've been seeing therapists since I was 10 years old, Sam," She sneered. "I saw one three times a week for a year after the FAYZ. It doesn't help,"

"And writing a book that could very possibly get you thrown in jail does?"

Diana scoffed. "What are they going to arrest me for? For taking care of Caine after he met the gaiaphage? For not killing Caine and Drake while they were sleeping? For Brianna giving my baby to the gaiaphage?"

Sam sighed and shook his head. "For cannibalism. For helping Caine kill and terrorize the town. For not telling them that you knew the letter was false five years ago,"

Diana scowled. "Cannibalism isn't punishable by law, Caine would have killed me if I tried to stop him, and if they arrested me for not telling them the letter was fake, they would have to arrest every FAYZ survivor around, because there is no way in hell anyone believed that,"

Sam sighed. "I'm sorry. I just… I just want you to be happy,"

"I know, Sam," Diana smiled sadly. "I'll be fine. Go see genius girl. She's probably wondering if you're okay,"

Sam nodded and left the room. "Sorry, Di," He murmured.

Diana sighed and unfolded the letter, tearstained and falling apart at the creases. _Love, Caine. Love, Caine. Love, Caine._

She shoved the letter back in her pocket and wiped away the tears, angry at herself. She grabbed the TV remote, laid back on her bed, and turned the volume up, hoping it would help her forget.

**Author's Note: So when I read the end of Light, it really bugged me that nobody seemed to really acknowledge or appreciate Caine's sacrifice. It also annoyed me that we didn't really get to see much of how Diana recovered after his and Gaia's deaths. So… this happened.**

**Review, please!**


End file.
